He was about 5"10 foot with curly brown hair and a skinny body. He wore a white-collared shirt and denim jeans; his bright blue eyes complimented long his tan body. His name was Brian White. Brian was a freshman at Punahou School; he was a nice kid with lots of friends and decent grades. He wasn't cocky or conceited or anything like that, he was just a fun guy too be around. He had a good family, with loving parents and an annoying little brother. He was a good guy who never really wanted any trouble. All in all Brian was pretty cool.
It was 7:00 in the morning and Brian was being dropped off at school. Brian always slept during the car ride too school. He was one of those kids where you had too break your back just too get them to wake up. Brian's eyes open slightly, his dad was yelling at him too get up. He slowly sat up and adjusted the chair back too its normal position. He yawned and moaned. For Brain waking up was the worst part of the day. He sat upright and opened the door of his car, and grabbed his bag. Slowly he pulled his two legs out of the car and said good-bye too his dad. He rubbed his eyes and slowly made his way towards the campus.
It was a Friday morning and the day of the school largest fund raising event, the "Punahou Carnival". The carnival was HUGE, and when I say huge I mean monstrous. Punahou got a company too come over every year and set up rides all over lower field. Now these rides weren't no dinky rides, they were pretty substantial. People from all over the Island go too Punahou every year for the carnival. So as you can imagine it was a pretty big deal. Punahou School being the largest day school in America has around 3,700 students, all of them anxious too go to carnival. The deal was that you had your regular classes until about 10:30 and then all hell broke loose and everyone could make their way too the rides and games. The carnival lased for 2 days from 11:00 AM till 11:00 at night.
Brian continued on his way towards the freshman hang out, which was a large tree with a circular concrete bench surrounding it. The campus was pretty huge so it took him while too get there. When he arrived he put his bag down and went too chat with his buddies. He was still sorta not awake yet so on his way too his friends he tripped and almost landed flat on his face. Luckily he had caught himself but he still looked like an idiot. Most of the people around were doing their own thing so they paid him no attention. He quickly got up, brushed himself off and acted as if nothing had happened. He walked over too his friends and traded greeting with them. Brian had a lot of friends but his closest were Charles, John, and Michael. These guys were like his brothers; they stuck together and always had each other's backs.
"Hey John, you ready for this?" I asked. "Dude, of course." "Alright then, good. So uh how are you and your lady?" "Oh we're good I guess, something's bothering her and she won't tell me, so basically same old same old. You?" "Umm we’re good too, we planned too hang out on Saturday just me and her." "Oh really, that’s cool. You be good now." "Haha, you betcha. Alright man it's about time for class now, I'll uh meet up with you later, call me."
Brian's girlfriend's name was Sydney, she was an intelligent, funny and just plain awesome too be around person and in Brian's eyes she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Brian made his way throughout his first two classes and finally it was time for the carnival.
The lines were horrendous! There were kids everywhere, and they hadn't even opened it up too the public yet. It took them about 30 minutes too get scripts and from there they went straight too the Zipper. The Zipper was by far the best ride in the whole carnival, and being the best it came with hour-long lines. By the time Brian and his friends got onto the ride they were already sick of waiting. But it was almost worth it. The Zipper spun and flipped, round, and round. The more your rocked your cage the more you spun, so Brian rocked it was hard as he could. After the ride came too a sad end, the guys got out and felt a little more alive. Next it was too the game booths. These booths weren't really that fun; it was just that once you started you could never stop until you won. It was terrible. Brian and Michael dived right in and started playing the "Knock The Bottles Over" game, while John stayed back and watched. Michael took the sack and wound up and far as he could and threw it with all his might. It was a complete miss. Now Brian took the sack and aimed it, and gave it a little push. It hit dead center and knocked all the bottles over, it was a win! The game booth guy gave Brian the prize. It was a brown stuffed animal. Michael kept trying and eventually he won his prize. Now it was time too eat. They walked over too the food stands and bought cheeseburgers. From there they met up with Charles and hung out for the rest of the night, going on rides and playing games. It was about 10:30 at night and everybody was tired. Evan's mom picked them up and they all crashed out at his house.
The next morning they all got up around 12:00 and had a late breakfast. After that they slowly made their way over too the carnival for round two. This time around Brian would be with his girlfriend though. Once he got too the school he slip up from his friends and called Sydney.
"Hey baby, wutcha up too?" said Brian. "Nothing much where do you wanna meet?"
"Umm I dunno wherever I guess?" "Ok how's about next too the ice cream stand?" "Sure sounds good, okay sees you their bye." "Bye." Click.
Brian made his way over too the ice cream stand, and when he got there Sydney was already standing there. She had these tight shorts on, with a spaghetti strap top and pink slippers. She looked stunning. Brian jogged the last 10 feet too her and said "Hi". They greeted each other and hugged. "So where too first?' said Brian. "Hmm I really wanna go on the Zipper with you, and then maybe and night we can hit the Ferris wheel?" questioned Sydney. "Sounds like a plan too me." Agreed Brian.
Just as they were about too walk towards the first ride, a loud voice blasted through the speakers around the campus.
"Stupiddd Punahou kids, you think your so damn smart with your nice ass facilities and all. Well its time someone showed you your place. You're no better than any of us, what makes you so fricken special. All of you need too be taught a lesson and we're here too teach you."
That was all he said. People looked around in bewilderment wondering what had just happened. What the hell just happened Brian thought to himself, who the hell was this guy and what in the world did he want. Then through the front gates of the school came teenagers dressed with baggy shorts and t-shirts, some with caps on. Most of them carried baseball bats and I could see some of them had knives. They all came in running and screaming swear words, there must have been at least 30 of them pilling in. They looked like they were a part of some kind of gang because they all had this one symbol on their left arm. Most of the guys just ran in and started smashing rides and pushing booths over. Shards of plastic and glass flew from rides being smashed repeatedly. Some of the guys even started kicking people around, and hurting them. Brian didn't know what too do, he was frozen in fear, and at the last second Brian heard Sydney scream and turned around too see one of the guys swing a bat at his head. The bat collided with Brian's skull and Brian was immediately knocked unconscious.
He woke up with a massive headache, it was a miracle he hadn't suffered any serious injuries. He sat up and looked around, when he saw was pure chaos; everything lay in waste, smoke filled the air from fires. It looked like the gang had moved too another part of campus. It was deserted, and then he noticed that Sydney was gone as well. His mind went into panic. "What am I going too do?!!!!" He thought. He was worried sick; his mind ran wild, images of Sydney getting hurt burst into life. He stood up with a renewed vigor and started jogging towards the upper part of the school. Beep beep, his cell phone went off. Brian had forgotten all about it, he picked it up and heard his mother and father screaming on the phone. "BRIAN ARE YOU OK?" His mother asked.
"Oh thank goodness you answered your phone, we've called about a billion times since we saw it on the news."
" Yea mom I'm fine, but what's up with this whole thing, what's going on?" Brian asked.
"We don't know the details honey but we heard something about a local gang raiding Punahou School. It seems that they have a grudge against everyone who goes there and they'll hurt maybe even kill any Punahou related person they can find. But the important thing is that you're ok."
"Yea, do you know what happened to Sydney mom?"
"Yes, she's at home with her parents, so are all your other friends, they called too see if you were ok. They said that they had all gotten lost in the mad rush of people, and couldn't find you. But just wait where you ar………(silence)"
The call went quiet and Brian knew instantly what was wrong, his phone was dead. Oh great he thought now what. Brian's heart raced with joy, he felt a lot better now that he knew Sydney and his friends were safe. Now all Brian had too do was get away from the school before those gang guys came back. Where were the police when you needed them? Figures Brian thought. He started jogging towards the front entrance of the school, he couldn't help but wonder who the guy that was talking was. He wondered how the whole place had gotten deserted so fast, had he really be out for that long? That was the weird thing about Brian he always thought of the not so important thing even when faced with a very dangerous situation. The gate was only about 100 yards away now, and Brian could see the outside. He was almost there, then out of the corner of his eye he saw some guys walking towards him. There were about 6 of them, and they were all equipped with bats. There was some raggedy kid standing in the middle, he looked pretty skinny and even malnourished. Brian saw the kid point at him and then the other five guys started running at him. Brian burst into a sprint and ran towards the gate as fast as he could, but they were closer and cut him off. They surrounded him and slowly moved in. Then from the back Brian was tackled and pushed onto the ground. Brian couldn't move or see anything because his face was flat on the dirt. The guys just held him there until finally then let up and pulled him up, they grabbed his hands and restrained him. Brian looked around and saw the kid walking up too him, he couldn’t have been more than 16 or 17 years old. The kid walked up too Brian and looked him in the eye then said "This is not your lucky day." And punched him right in the gut. Brian felt like throwing up, he didn't know what too say even if he did he wouldn't have been able too say because he was so scared. This was the end he thought, there was no way in hell he was getting out of this one. The kid picked up a bat off the ground and laid it in his hands. This is it, thought Brian, the kid slowly brought it up too shoulders and starting winding up. Then boom it all happened so fast, the kid started swinging the bat and as soon as it connected with Brian, he woke up. His body drenched with sweat, Brian could hear his heart almost exploding out of his chest. Wow that was a really weird ass dream thought Brian, but boy was he glad it was only a dream. He lie back down again and let himself cool down. It was 3:30 AM and carnival morning; this was going too be one hell of a day he thought.
I enjoyed reading your story and when you read it you can imagine the setting your mind. Also, I liked how realistic the story was when I read it. One thing that I would work on was getting to the point/problem so the reader feels that there is some purpose other than an account of a carnival. I dont mean to be critical but, after awhile it gets kind of boring. Good job so far but, keep working. -Drake
You have done a whole lot since the last time I read your story. I had a great time reading it and the ending was really cool. The thing that I liked most was how you tricked me into thinking it was real. The descriptions of events gave me a better picture than I could have gotten from a movie. Also, I felt the intensity that you brought upon the reader. A suggestion would be to write a sequel about what really happens that day. Keep writing! - Drake
Good job, but it is kind've confusing because in the beginning, you narrate the story as a third person, but then towards the end you switch start narrating from Brian's point of view. Also, you might want to break up the paragraphs. They're super long. All in all, great job. Keep up the good work(: -Raina
He was about 5"10 foot with curly brown hair and a skinny body. He wore a white-collared shirt and denim jeans; his bright blue eyes complimented long his tan body. His name was Brian White. Brian was a freshman at Punahou School; he was a nice kid with lots of friends and decent grades. He wasn't cocky or conceited or anything like that, he was just a fun guy too be around. He had a good family, with loving parents and an annoying little brother. He was a good guy who never really wanted any trouble. All in all Brian was pretty cool.
It was 7:00 in the morning and Brian was being dropped off at school. Brian always slept during the car ride too school. He was one of those kids where you had too break your back just too get them to wake up. Brian's eyes open slightly, his dad was yelling at him too get up. He slowly sat up and adjusted the chair back too its normal position. He yawned and moaned. For Brain waking up was the worst part of the day. He sat upright and opened the door of his car, and grabbed his bag. Slowly he pulled his two legs out of the car and said good-bye too his dad. He rubbed his eyes and slowly made his way towards the campus.
It was a Friday morning and the day of the school largest fund raising event, the "Punahou Carnival". The carnival was HUGE, and when I say huge I mean monstrous. Punahou got a company too come over every year and set up rides all over lower field. Now these rides weren't no dinky rides, they were pretty substantial. People from all over the Island go too Punahou every year for the carnival. So as you can imagine it was a pretty big deal. Punahou School being the largest day school in America has around 3,700 students, all of them anxious too go to carnival. The deal was that you had your regular classes until about 10:30 and then all hell broke loose and everyone could make their way too the rides and games. The carnival lased for 2 days from 11:00 AM till 11:00 at night.
Brian continued on his way towards the freshman hang out, which was a large tree with a circular concrete bench surrounding it. The campus was pretty huge so it took him while too get there. When he arrived he put his bag down and went too chat with his buddies. He was still sorta not awake yet so on his way too his friends he tripped and almost landed flat on his face. Luckily he had caught himself but he still looked like an idiot. Most of the people around were doing their own thing so they paid him no attention. He quickly got up, brushed himself off and acted as if nothing had happened. He walked over too his friends and traded greeting with them. Brian had a lot of friends but his closest were Charles, John, and Michael. These guys were like his brothers; they stuck together and always had each other's backs.
"Hey John, you ready for this?" I asked. "Dude, of course." "Alright then, good. So uh how are you and your lady?" "Oh we're good I guess, something's bothering her and she won't tell me, so basically same old same old. You?" "Umm we’re good too, we planned too hang out on Saturday just me and her." "Oh really, that’s cool. You be good now." "Haha, you betcha. Alright man it's about time for class now, I'll uh meet up with you later, call me."
Brian's girlfriend's name was Sydney, she was an intelligent, funny and just plain awesome too be around person and in Brian's eyes she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Brian made his way throughout his first two classes and finally it was time for the carnival.
The lines were horrendous! There were kids everywhere, and they hadn't even opened it up too the public yet. It took them about 30 minutes too get scripts and from there they went straight too the Zipper. The Zipper was by far the best ride in the whole carnival, and being the best it came with hour-long lines. By the time Brian and his friends got onto the ride they were already sick of waiting. But it was almost worth it. The Zipper spun and flipped, round, and round. The more your rocked your cage the more you spun, so Brian rocked it was hard as he could. After the ride came too a sad end, the guys got out and felt a little more alive. Next it was too the game booths. These booths weren't really that fun; it was just that once you started you could never stop until you won. It was terrible. Brian and Michael dived right in and started playing the "Knock The Bottles Over" game, while John stayed back and watched. Michael took the sack and wound up and far as he could and threw it with all his might. It was a complete miss. Now Brian took the sack and aimed it, and gave it a little push. It hit dead center and knocked all the bottles over, it was a win! The game booth guy gave Brian the prize. It was a brown stuffed animal. Michael kept trying and eventually he won his prize. Now it was time too eat. They walked over too the food stands and bought cheeseburgers. From there they met up with Charles and hung out for the rest of the night, going on rides and playing games. It was about 10:30 at night and everybody was tired. Evan's mom picked them up and they all crashed out at his house.
The next morning they all got up around 12:00 and had a late breakfast. After that they slowly made their way over too the carnival for round two. This time around Brian would be with his girlfriend though. Once he got too the school he slip up from his friends and called Sydney.
"Hey baby, wutcha up too?" said Brian. "Nothing much where do you wanna meet?"
"Umm I dunno wherever I guess?" "Ok how's about next too the ice cream stand?" "Sure sounds good, okay sees you their bye." "Bye." Click.
Brian made his way over too the ice cream stand, and when he got there Sydney was already standing there. She had these tight shorts on, with a spaghetti strap top and pink slippers. She looked stunning. Brian jogged the last 10 feet too her and said "Hi". They greeted each other and hugged. "So where too first?' said Brian. "Hmm I really wanna go on the Zipper with you, and then maybe and night we can hit the Ferris wheel?" questioned Sydney. "Sounds like a plan too me." Agreed Brian.
Just as they were about too walk towards the first ride, a loud voice blasted through the speakers around the campus.
"Stupiddd Punahou kids, you think your so damn smart with your nice ass facilities and all. Well its time someone showed you your place. You're no better than any of us, what makes you so fricken special. All of you need too be taught a lesson and we're here too teach you."
That was all he said. People looked around in bewilderment wondering what had just happened. What the hell just happened Brian thought to himself, who the hell was this guy and what in the world did he want. Then through the front gates of the school came teenagers dressed with baggy shorts and t-shirts, some with caps on. Most of them carried baseball bats and I could see some of them had knives. They all came in running and screaming swear words, there must have been at least 30 of them pilling in. They looked like they were a part of some kind of gang because they all had this one symbol on their left arm. Most of the guys just ran in and started smashing rides and pushing booths over. Shards of plastic and glass flew from rides being smashed repeatedly. Some of the guys even started kicking people around, and hurting them. Brian didn't know what too do, he was frozen in fear, and at the last second Brian heard Sydney scream and turned around too see one of the guys swing a bat at his head. The bat collided with Brian's skull and Brian was immediately knocked unconscious.
He woke up with a massive headache, it was a miracle he hadn't suffered any serious injuries. He sat up and looked around, when he saw was pure chaos; everything lay in waste, smoke filled the air from fires. It looked like the gang had moved too another part of campus. It was deserted, and then he noticed that Sydney was gone as well. His mind went into panic. "What am I going too do?!!!!" He thought. He was worried sick; his mind ran wild, images of Sydney getting hurt burst into life. He stood up with a renewed vigor and started jogging towards the upper part of the school. Beep beep, his cell phone went off. Brian had forgotten all about it, he picked it up and heard his mother and father screaming on the phone. "BRIAN ARE YOU OK?" His mother asked.
"Oh thank goodness you answered your phone, we've called about a billion times since we saw it on the news."
" Yea mom I'm fine, but what's up with this whole thing, what's going on?" Brian asked.
"We don't know the details honey but we heard something about a local gang raiding Punahou School. It seems that they have a grudge against everyone who goes there and they'll hurt maybe even kill any Punahou related person they can find. But the important thing is that you're ok."
"Yea, do you know what happened to Sydney mom?"
"Yes, she's at home with her parents, so are all your other friends, they called too see if you were ok. They said that they had all gotten lost in the mad rush of people, and couldn't find you. But just wait where you ar………(silence)"
The call went quiet and Brian knew instantly what was wrong, his phone was dead. Oh great he thought now what. Brian's heart raced with joy, he felt a lot better now that he knew Sydney and his friends were safe. Now all Brian had too do was get away from the school before those gang guys came back. Where were the police when you needed them? Figures Brian thought. He started jogging towards the front entrance of the school, he couldn't help but wonder who the guy that was talking was. He wondered how the whole place had gotten deserted so fast, had he really be out for that long? That was the weird thing about Brian he always thought of the not so important thing even when faced with a very dangerous situation. The gate was only about 100 yards away now, and Brian could see the outside. He was almost there, then out of the corner of his eye he saw some guys walking towards him. There were about 6 of them, and they were all equipped with bats. There was some raggedy kid standing in the middle, he looked pretty skinny and even malnourished. Brian saw the kid point at him and then the other five guys started running at him. Brian burst into a sprint and ran towards the gate as fast as he could, but they were closer and cut him off. They surrounded him and slowly moved in. Then from the back Brian was tackled and pushed onto the ground. Brian couldn't move or see anything because his face was flat on the dirt. The guys just held him there until finally then let up and pulled him up, they grabbed his hands and restrained him. Brian looked around and saw the kid walking up too him, he couldn’t have been more than 16 or 17 years old. The kid walked up too Brian and looked him in the eye then said "This is not your lucky day." And punched him right in the gut. Brian felt like throwing up, he didn't know what too say even if he did he wouldn't have been able too say because he was so scared. This was the end he thought, there was no way in hell he was getting out of this one. The kid picked up a bat off the ground and laid it in his hands. This is it, thought Brian, the kid slowly brought it up too shoulders and starting winding up. Then boom it all happened so fast, the kid started swinging the bat and as soon as it connected with Brian, he woke up. His body drenched with sweat, Brian could hear his heart almost exploding out of his chest. Wow that was a really weird ass dream thought Brian, but boy was he glad it was only a dream. He lie back down again and let himself cool down. It was 3:30 AM and carnival morning; this was going too be one hell of a day he thought.
I enjoyed reading your story and when you read it you can imagine the setting your mind. Also, I liked how realistic the story was when I read it. One thing that I would work on was getting to the point/problem so the reader feels that there is some purpose other than an account of a carnival. I dont mean to be critical but, after awhile it gets kind of boring. Good job so far but, keep working. -Drake
You have done a whole lot since the last time I read your story. I had a great time reading it and the ending was really cool. The thing that I liked most was how you tricked me into thinking it was real. The descriptions of events gave me a better picture than I could have gotten from a movie. Also, I felt the intensity that you brought upon the reader. A suggestion would be to write a sequel about what really happens that day. Keep writing! - Drake
Good job, but it is kind've confusing because in the beginning, you narrate the story as a third person, but then towards the end you switch start narrating from Brian's point of view. Also, you might want to break up the paragraphs. They're super long. All in all, great job. Keep up the good work(: -Raina